Current mood:

contemplative

no more
so.....i finally got some balls and quit smoking today, and it was alot different from any of the other times i had tried. i was taking amanda (who decided to quit lastnight)to the college today, and thought of having a cigarette. i looked at them thinking faintly about how i could quit, when a thought came tome, and it was not my own thinking. it was more like a voice. i would never think like this. but it said if you throw that pack out of the window, you will never smoke again. i really struggled with that though. at first i was going to do it, then i couldnt. it went back and forth as so for a few moments. i had almost decided not to do it, then i grabbed the pack (that i had only smoked between 4 and 6 out of) and threw it out of the window. at that moment, it felt like something was being sucked out of my body. i wanted to reach out and try to grab them back. and for a moment i really hated what i had done. i felt stupid. amanda said that i looked like a was going to cry. i dont doubt that i looked like that. on the way back, i had thought about picking up the cigarettes if only to have them for comfort. the horrifying sight was of the cigarettes all across that part of the road. some of them ran over, others just sitting there. it kinda hurt to see them like that. the sad thing about all of this is that i actually felt like this. that smoking had that much of a hold over me. i didnt really think i was that dependant on the habbit. i feel pretty good about it now. although i do feel regret every once in a while. 2 more days to go until the addiction is all in my head. im going to do it this time. i am stronger than the addiction.