in 2010... [30 Dec 2009|06:23pm] gaelfling thoughts on 'New Years Resolutions': never done that honestly, as I found it counter productive-- make a demand for yourself you know you won't ever see through-- odd thing to do, but ok instead I always would keep in mind things I'd like to get done in the year ahead and see if I can accomplish them goal for this year coming: get into school for digital animation, or barring that make a portfolio kick ass enough that I can get a job even if I don't have the credentials cause I'd like to make a better life for myself, one crazy step at a time :P post comment

Lessons learned [26 Dec 2009|05:40pm] gaelfling [ mood | feh ] they say the ones you love the most are the ones to hurt you the greatest odd how reality can be boiled down to such simple sentiment, yet it is so true just tried to call my dad, talked to his new wife (they have been together for 30 years now) and tried to make sure she understood that I was calling to wish them a merry christmas I tried to do something nice, tried to reconnect and perhaps in my own small way apologize for the pain I might have caused him over the years by being so distant-- our history is long and full of garbage, that isn't what this is about what it is about is the fact that he called back later, and I missed the call, but he left a message one full of vitriol and hate and rage, in which he called me a liar-- but I have had my honour thrown in the mud recently by someone I loved, someone I thought loved me, and the first time is the hardest to take, the hardest to bear, and after that the slaps just don't hurt anymore for a moment after I heard his rage filled voice I was a child again, wondering why he hated me so much, why he was abandoning me again why didn't he love me? then the part of me that has always had to be the adult took the child aside-- to that place in me where no one can hurt me I guess I won't get the chance to mend those wounds, won't be able to say that I love my father, no matter what has happened he'll grow old, he'll die and he'll never know he'll just think I'm a liar-- that I have no honour but that is how the world turns, and I go on... 9 comments|post comment

fields of dreams [25 Dec 2009|07:15pm] gaelfling sometimes when you let go, that is when you have the most power stop controlling, stop holding things back or holding them in stop fighting yourself there is a glade, in it is a tower, white and tall as a mountain, there are windows all along the tower, circling it in a spiral as you ascend at the base of the tower is a garden, with all sorts of things growing there, the sun is warm and the breeze just right, not too brisk and not too light there are trees that surround this place, and a river that is not too far away there are mountains in the distance, but none that seem menacing or forbidding I've taken stock of my internal landscape, and I know why I chose this place it's not impossible to get to me, if you honestly *want* to, it's not impossible for you to find me and share in this place of quiet and warmth it just takes making your way through the trees, into the clearing it takes caring enough to see the stream, and know it is turbulent it takes understanding that the mountains are there to misdirect those who are only interested in a facade it takes listening for the animal sounds, and the turn of the wind, and the whisper at your ankles and then you are in my home, and I welcome you, give you food and drink and a place to sit and sometimes a ray of light so you are never alone in the dark this is an open entry because I want people to understand something and at the same time I doubt they ever will post comment

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